Whether it’s a casual spanking from time to time or a complete way of life, BDSM is a powerful exploration of intimacy, trust, and connection. For the beginner, it can be a little tricky to know how to get from point A to point Domme. The best way is step by step, at your own pace. And the method? Checking in with yourself and your partner before, during, and after. With that said, let's learn the ropes in this guide to BDSM for beginners.
Consider this your orientation. Class begins now.
First of all, it’s important to know what BDSM is not. It’s not abuse. It’s not about violating boundaries. Consent is everything in any sexual relationship, and this is no exception. And thanks to some brave S/M activists that have come before us, there’s a code you can follow to ensure that the needs of both you and your partner are met.
What Does BDSM Stand For?
BDSM refers to bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. That’s a lot of Ds and Ss. Think of BDSM as sexual activity that deviates from what is normally acceptable, aka “vanilla” sex. There’s usually an exchange of power, and play is sometimes physical, sometimes mental.
Sound good? Not so much? Check in with yourself periodically as you read this article. You may start to get an idea of where to start. Or if you want to start at all.
Meanwhile, let’s break down what BDSM is, go over the most important principles of the practice, and learn how to get started.
Bondage & Discipline
This refers to the use of restraint, whether physical or psychological, over another. You may use blindfolds, handcuffs, rope, or gags. Or you may simply give orders. You may agree to be subjected to punishment, should you break the rules (and you will).
Dominance & Submission
A submissive, or “sub”, is someone who gets pleasure from giving away their power. Play often involves obedience and submission, but the sub is really the one in control during a session, also known as a “scene.” Through negotiation, the sub sets the terms for what they will and won’t allow to happen during a scene, and go into it with an escape route: a safe word that can stop things at any time.
A dominant, known as “dom” for short, or for femmes--“domme”, carries a lot of responsibility. Though the ground rules have been set, the dom is in charge during the scene. They’re the one doing the action, while the sub is having the action done to them. Doms aren’t inherently punishers; many are caretakers and protectors as well.
The sub/dom relationship is one that requires an immense amount of trust from all parties. Before entering into this dynamic, a lot of communication and negotiation needs to happen. What are the terms? How much power will the dom have? What are the hard lines that can’t be crossed? What are the soft lines?
Sadism & Masochism
Sadists and masochists derive pleasure from acts that involve either inflicting or receiving intense sensation, pain, or humiliation. These acts vary in intensity from spanking to knife play. Activities can be physical, psychological, or both.
Exploring BDSM doesn’t mean that you try everything. You can dive deep into one practice, like shibari (Japanese rope play), and never bother with the others.
What Every Beginner Should Know
BDSM is a set of sexual practices based on trust, intimacy, communication, and mutual respect. But that’s not exactly the reputation it’s always had. In fact, until about 10 years ago, kinky sex was categorized as an indicator of mental illness by the American Psychological Association and was used against parents in custody battles.
In the 1980s, S/M activist David Stein created SSC, a code of ethics. His goal was not only to provide care and protection for the larger BDSM community but also to fight the stigma and establish that BDSM is indeed an ethical practice.
Knowing this code helps you to ensure that your partners’ needs are being met. And it helps you avoid getting involved with anyone who doesn’t value informed consent. The BDSM community is no different than the “vanilla” community in that there are people who mean to cause harm and there are people who don’t know better.
SSC: Sane, Safe, Consensual.
Safe. You need to know the limits of the people, the materials used, and identify possible risks. Take measures to prevent them. This includes physical risks, mental risks, emotional risks.
Sane. Don’t perform the practices under the influence of drugs of hallucinogenic substances.
Because BDSM often involves taking--or being taken--to a physical or psychological limit, your mind must be clear and able to gauge those limits. This is especially important for beginners who may find that their limits aren’t what they thought they were.
Consensual. There must be an agreement between both parties about what will and won’t happen, and a safe word should be agreed upon.
Many people like to use “red light”, “yellow light”, and “green light” because it gives the other person an idea of how comfortable they are. Others prefer “safe word” for it’s to-the-point nature. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s not something you might say in the scene, like “no” or “stop”.
Getting Started: Communication Is Key
BDSM is a wonderful way to develop communication skills alongside your partner, to normalize talking about sex before, during, and after. It teaches you to work together to decide on what your relationship will look like, rather than assuming that everyone’s on the same page. Follow these steps to get started.
Step 1. Think About It.
How do you know what you like? Whether you want to be a sub, dom, or switch between the two? To be gagged or spanked or both? Here’s how: think about it.
Follow blogs, vlogs, read up on BDSM, read erotic literature. Listen to erotic stories on the Emjoy app like Tied Up and Safe Word. Pay attention to what turns you on, what turns you off, and what you feel indifferent about. Remember: you can change at any time and so can your partner.
Step 2. Talk About It.
Talk about what you want to do with the person you intend to do it with. Tell ‘em what you want. Tell ‘em what you don’t want. Never jump into BDSM play without asking for your partner’s permission long before the session begins.
Step 3. Listen.
Here’s where negotiation starts. Listen to what your partner thinks about what you want, and hear them out as they express what they do and don’t want. Consider what may be a soft no (something that doesn’t interest you) versus a hard no (something that you’re definitely not comfortable doing). Be willing to bend to meet your partner, but be confident in laying down boundaries.
Step 4. Start small.
Ease into these practices. You don’t need to break the bank on toys. Explore light sensation play like casual spanking. Tie any part of the body or learn rope play without the goal of sex. Use blindfolds. Experiment with power dynamics by denying your partner access to certain parts of your body, or by waiting to cum until your partner gives you permission.
Step 5. Talk About It Some More.
Aftercare is a huge part of BDSM. Check in with each other to make sure that your physical and mental needs are being met. Ask for what you need. Water? Cuddles? Alone time? Space to cry? Laugh?
Talk about what worked for you, what didn’t, and what you want the future to hold.
Remember that when you’re trying new things for the first time, it helps to look at it as a test run. Sometimes what excites you in fantasy isn’t what you really want in reality. If you find that’s the case, you can modify your session. Maybe you and your partner/s engage in role play or maybe you just fantasize together during sex. Or maybe you end up loving something that you thought you wouldn’t like at all.
Celebrate when you discover something new that you like. This is a good thing! And if you start to feel shame, remember that oral sex was once taboo. Beauty is in the eye of who’s holding the flogger, okay?
More Resources on BDSM for Beginners
If you're a BDSM newbie and this article has piqued you're interest to learn more, don't miss Emjoy's audio collection BDSM Basics.
And you can find out more in our YouTube video BDSM for Beginners: A Guide to BDSM.
