“I have been using my vibrator for a long time during sex and masturbation and I am worried that I have become dependent on it, or that later, without it, I won’t know how to reach orgasm. I’ve tried it without and it makes me despair because it’s harder for me to get “there”. Is this because the vibrator has made me insensitive or am I hooked on it?”
As a practicing sex therapist, this is an example of one of the most frequent fears among people who use vibrators, or those who don’t but have heard this rumour, that I hear. Even though the use of vibrators has become much more socially acceptable, their use is still clouded by myths and paranoias.
But what worries people the most is if there is a limit to how much you can use them, or that if you use them too much, it will end up being harmful. Do you remember that chapter in Sex in the City where Charlotte becomes absolutely addicted to her Bunny vibrator and doesn’t want to leave the house? Well, that’s fiction. Even though the scene is very funny, this doesn’t happen in real life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with using a vibrator to masturbate or introducing it as another element in your sexual encounters. What can happen sometimes is that we become “passive” or “comfortable”. When using a vibrator it can be very easy to reach orgasm (believe me…): all you have to do is rest the toy in the right place with the right vibrations and you can come. Plus, we have thousands of variants of vibration: intense, soft, strong, sucking, intermittent … Almost a morse code in itself …
None of this is a problem (if we can call it that, because hello, since when is enjoying something and feeling pleasure a problem?), but what can be a difficulty is when a person stays stuck in this habit. But what if the same happens with sexual positions or any other facet of a person’s sexual life: if I always put myself in the same position because I know that this way I will reach orgasm, should I then stop myself from doing so in case it’s somehow harmful? No, the answer is not prohibiting yourself.
It’s about getting to know yourself, discovering yourself, opening new avenues and exploring self-pleasure in many ways. And of course yes, using a vibrator whenever you want. If you only reach orgasm with the toy, the issue isn’t really the toy: rather, it might be that you are searching for an immediate orgasm in the same way you experience with a toy. You need to try moving away from always repeating the same techniques, for increased pleasure and innovation.
And now to address this “anaesthesia” worry, or rather, the fear that a toy will make you less sensitive. Again, it’s nothing to worry about. You may experience a little insensitivity immediately after using a toy, but this is only momentary. You just have to let the area rest and everything returns to normal. Don’t believe me? It’s even been studied. The results of an investigation carried out in the University of Indiana speak for themselves: 70% of the women did not present any negative effect on their health or their sex life due to the fact of using vibrators, and the remaining 30% declared having some infections or minor pain caused by not having good hygiene with the toy (a very important issue always, that deserves not to be forgotten). In no case did the use of vibrators prove to cause loss of sensitivity. So even if you have two, four or six orgasms in a row with your vibrator, the only thing that will change is your pleasure and so … Why not?
There is a stigma about vibrators, maybe caused by fear or ignorance, by some people who see these objects as somehow unsafe. This probably has more to do with self-esteem than a toy – because a toy is not a competitor, it is an ally. Toys can introduce new kinds of pleasure that are more difficult to experience without. In fact, toys greatly help with all manner of sexual dysfunctions, and so as a sex therapist, I often recommend that singles and couples try to use them. For one thing, it can bring much more pleasure into your lives, and so, because the sex gets more enjoyable, you want to have more of it – and so their use can inadvertently increase your sex drive.
So, to conclude: sex toys (made with quality control in their materials) are totally harmless and will not steal sensitivity from you or cause you problems. The only thing they are going to do is give you orgasms and the freedom to play and innovate.
Mia Sabat, sex therapist
Mark your calendar and forget about your plan to go to the gym tonight! It’s International Female Orgasm Day, y’all! Ohhhh yes!
Did you wake up all excited and tingly this morning? No? You should have! August 8 is the official World Day of Female Orgasm!
Why today? Why did you not know about this before? Is it just about pleasure or also about politics?
We’ll answer all your questions so you have time to think of ways to celebrate this glorious day with as much pleasure as possible.
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away!
So let’s take a look at how it all started. In 2006, the Councilor of Esperantina (Brazil), José Arimateia Dantas Lacerda, promoted a law to defend sexual pleasure in women, study it and address it as a matter of public health.
Dantas realized that especially women were not satisfied with their sexuality and had a hard time to climax, struggling to get their pleasure. A survey was issued to investigate the matter further and concluded that the situation should change because it was “a matter of public health”, due to all the health benefits orgasms produce. The initiative went viral and in the end, August 8 has been adopted worldwide as International Female Orgasm Day. Or as we call it: Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Sunday.
The pleasure gap
13 years have passed since the proclamation of Female Orgasm Day, but the pleasure gap is still existing till today. So why did we all not learn more during the last couple of years? One reason is of course that we don’t only need one day during the year to remind ourselves of the greatness of the female orgasm and all its’ health benefits; it’s a matter of constant practice and also a matter of truly understanding your own body, your wants and needs and how to fill you daily life with small and arousing pleasures that are already waiting for you in your mind and body!
Additionally, we, as a society, need to do some serious myth busting surrounding the subject of female orgasm and anatomy, so women (and men) can have a whole new (and way more satisfying!) understanding of female sexuality.
We started Emjoy with exactly those goals in mind. We want to help you get a better understanding about your body, help you love yourself more, feel better in your skin and learn pleasure techniques that arouse both your body and mind in ways you haven’t imagined before. Oh and did we mention that by doing so you’ll live healthier and happier for sure?
Say it loud, say it proud: It’s all about the clit!
The idea of penis-vagina sex remains widespread as the “normal” form of our idea of “having sex”. This should be one of the first things we have to erase from our minds, once and for all! Repeat after us (and tons of studies on the matter):
The big majority of women need stimulation of the clitoris to orgasm. Penetrative sex is not enough!
That said, penetrative sex can also lead some women to orgasm, but that is also happening because part of the clitoris is touching the walls of the vagina which can be stimulated by penetration. We have more on this in one of our female anatomy sessions, if you’re interested!
The most important fact remains: We can’t talk about female orgasm without talking about the clitoris! So: Let’s get cliterate!
Get cliterate and stop faking it!
So what’s the current reality of female orgasms? Studies suggest that half or almost half of us fake orgasms frequently. We pretend to have fun, when actually we aren’t and we pretend to climax even though we don’t. We’ve probably all done it. Either it’s because we feel guilty or think it’s what our partners want to hear or, or…. It does not matter, really, does it? Let’s stop the nonsense. Let’s not fake orgasms anymore! Why should we?
So, yes. It’s alarming to realize that only one partner is constantly and truly enjoying sex, while the other partner is faking it. But there’s hope! Did you know that when women masturbate, between 75-80% have no problems to climax and that women in homosexual relationships almost always reach orgasm? So don’t despair!
There are many factors that can influence whether or not to reach orgasm in a sexual encounter. But in all of them we can take an active role to improve how we feel so that we can all live our sexuality more freely and happily.
Reinventing “good sex”
As you can see, studies urge us to move forward and reach a more satisfying status quo for both sides of the bed. The best thing we can do is to learn more about the female orgasm and know ourselves better. This is not only important for women to fully understand their own body, it’s also essential that men (or partners in general) learn more about female orgasms if we all want to have truly satisfying sexual relationships.
Our sexual power is often not fully activated, even though it is so powerful!
We would like to invite you to become aware of your body in new ways. Knowing yourself – all off you: your mind, your body, your desires, what you like and also what you don’t like is the master key to a whole new relationship with yourself and your sexuality.
Your body is a wonderland!
- The brain: Yes! It’s the most powerful sexual organ. Because it’s the place where orgasms occur, because it is where we can change our ideas and beliefs, because it is where sensory and emotional stimuli arouse our desire. The brain is our primary tool for sexual satisfaction.
- The clitoris, of course! The jewel in your crown and the only organ of the human being created exclusively for pleasure. Understanding the clitoris and knowing how to stimulate it is the key to orgasms. Love your clit! It’s your treasure spot.
- Love yourself! All parts and sides of you. Respect yourself. Know yourself. The most satisfying sexual relationship of your life should be the one with yourself. You are your most important lover and you know best how to make your body and mind happy. Learn what you want and like and how to give yourself the pleasure you deserve!
Fall in love with yourself and your body!
Orgasmic inequality is a reality. But so is the power of female orgasms and all the health benefits that come with it! If you don’t feel like you are living your sexuality to its full potential, don’t worry! It’s a journey. But one that’s fun in every way!
Don’t forget that your sexual pleasure is essential! Let’s all try to become more sex- and body-positive and understand and believe that our sexual pleasure is important.
We deserve it! We already have the necessary tools to activate all the powers that lie within our bodies and minds.So cancel all your plans for tonight and add this to your To-Do List:
Celebrate Female Orgasm Day and Emjoy!